the one with Dying

I have proven so many times that I can easily write when I don’t feel like talking.  I don’t usually wake up lonely but today was something different.  Today is a day of I don’t trust myself.  I’m not fretting because I just know that I’ve done something stupid.  There are days that I don’t want to hear sad songs because it can only make me cry.  And today is one of them.

 

As one friend have told me, it’s hard to enjoy and disassociate having feelings with someone because enjoying is in itself a feeling.  I just feel so unsure today.  I’m torn on choosing between enjoying and believing that I can still enjoy.

 

And it doesn’t help when you get to hear a song like Dying by Five for Fighting.  I was able to hear this song today and I really liked the part, “I’m dying to forget about you”.  I don’t know why.  I just feel like that I’m kidding myself.  I’ve never imagined myself entertaining a complicated situation.

 

I knew it. I shouldn’t have started it in the first place.  I didn’t plan this but it happened.  I hate myself for losing my sense when I knew from the start that there’s no such thing.  And it gets harder each day because I’m actually enjoying his company minus the assurance of the possibility where it is going.

 

I’m not sad but I’m just thinking of if I should still continue this?  I guess, I have to look for other reasons first before I totally take the next step.  Not today but anytime soon.  And like the song Dying, I need to find a distraction to get myself away for a while.

 

 

Dying – Five for Fighting

 

I’m Dying, Dying to wake up without you, without you in my head again

I’m Dying, Dying to forget about you, that you ever lived

There’s a shade come over this heart that’s coping with laying down to rest

I’m Dying to live without you again

 

I’m Dying, Dying to find a distraction, get you away from me

I’m Dying, Dying to reach a conclusion, so that the world can see

It’s the same old story of love and glory that broke before it bent

I’m Dying to live without you again

 

The first time you left I said goodbye

Now there’s not a prayer that can survive

 

Dying, Dying to die just to come back so we can meet again

Dying, Dying to say what I always should have said

It’s a strange emotion this but there’s still hope in this

As long as there’s a breath…

I’m Dying and I can’t live without you again

 

It’s a strange emotion this but there’s still hope in this

As long as there’s a breath…

 

I’m Dying and I can’t live without you

I’m Dying and I can’t live without you again

 

the one with the slipping away

I keep on reaching and I, keep on trying
But you never even hold me and it seems like you don’t know me
I keep on yearning and I, I guess I’m learning
That it’s just a losing fight ’cause there’s no passion in your eyes
No, no, no, no – Slipping Away by Mariah Carey

 

This is what I am afraid of.  It is the least thing that I want to happen.  It is one stage in my life that I don’t want to go through again.

Unfortunately I have confirmed the fatal feeling this morning.  The truth!

There’s emptiness.  I’m lost for words.  I feel like that I’m dying inside.

I can’t just deny it.  There has been confirmation that I look sad.  I tried to look and act normal but my eyes couldn’t hide it anymore.

I feel stupid but I believe I owe it to myself to be sad once in a while.  But I’m promising that tomorrow will be different again.  That’s what I’ve been telling myself since last week.

I just need to get by each day one at a time.  I will do my very best to brace this storm.  This time alone again.  I’ll try to be strong enough.  I’ve got no choice.

I just like to thank my friends who have helped me face the day with a smile and continuously giving me a tinge of hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Special thanks to Oscar dela Hopia for reminding me this song,  More to Life by Stacie Orrico and to Jobert for making me smile.

*** I really didn’t plan to post anything today but after seeing a total stranger’s comment to my previous post, I’ve felt like the lightning struck me and it all dawned on me…

More to Life

I’ve got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I’m emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I’m missing
And why can’t I let it go

CHORUS:
There’s gotta be more to life…
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I’m…
Trippin’ out thinkin’ there must be more to life
Well it’s life, but I’m sure… There’s gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I’ve got the time and I’m wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I’m half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I’m searching for something that’s missing

CHORUS

I’m wanting more

I’m always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin’ like there’s something I missed….
Always… Always…

CHORUS – repeat twice

More to life
There’s gotta be more to life (more to life)
There’s gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life

 

The one with the Break up Recovery Tips

Technically I’m not recovering from a break up, I’m just moving on forward with my life.  It’s just funny because it’s like the world has conspired and it was telling me that I’m just in denial and trying to give me tips for moving on.

Why did I say so?  Last Friday the Top Ten topic from The Morning Rush was about the “Unusual Ways to Mend a Broken Heart” of which two of my entries made it to the list.

Then, today the first article that I’ve read from yahoo was the Break up Recovery 101, basically it is about the 5 tips for making break up a little easier and you can read it below for appreciation.

I just realized that it is true that the person who can make you smile is also the same person who can make cry.  Well, I didn’t cry “cry” this time, I’m tired of crying.  But, I do miss someone not because I love him but because he makes me happy especially on the days that I don’t feel like doing something.

And the past few days was really different, he started to falter and everything is not the same.  I was really having a hard time accepting the fact that I can’t do anything about it.  I just have to accept things as they are.  What’s really saddening is I am just enjoying everything and now I have to start all over again.

But being under this cycle so many times, I’m just trying hard to be strong because at the end of the day, I really have to be strong and I’ve got no choice but to be happy with what I have.

So, I just want to share this video and song by Courtney Jaye entitled, Can you Sleep?  The song was played in One Tree Hill when Lucas and Brooke broke up.  Hope you like it and I’m also attaching the Yahoo Article.

The Article from Yahoo: Whether or not you were together for two weeks, six months, or four years, breakups hurt. And they can be really hard to get over. If you listen to the wise words of Charlotte on Sex and the City, it takes half the time you were together to get over him. Here are a few more wise words to help make your next breakup a little easier.

Don’t Talk to Him

The most crucial rule in breaking up is to not talk to the person you’re breaking up with. Even if you think you can handle it and still get over the person, you can’t. Don’t kid yourself; feelings will get hurt. Take some time off, get over him, and maybe someday in the future you’ll be friends. Until then, lick your wounds and recover any way you’d like; whether that be partying hard, staying in bed for days with pints of ice cream, or spending absurd amounts of money on clothes you don’t need. No one will say a thing; we all heal in our own, weird ways.

Snap Out of It

Remember how things, like stupid songs and movies and that little spot in the park that you two went to on your first date used to be “yours”? Well, they’re not anymore. Don’t make a connection to platonic objects when there isn’t one. Remind yourself that you like that spot in the park because of the good view, not because of anyone connected to it. There’s no point losing more than you have to from a breakup, so don’t get all sappy on yourself.

Reconnect with Your Friends

No matter how much you say you’re not going to be that girl who gives up her friends for her boyfriend; everyone gives up a little of their time to spend with their guy. Well, now is the time to make it up to them (and, you could use the girl talk). So, go out and have fun; grab your best wing woman, and remember how much fun being single really is.

Take Some Time for Yourself

Amidst all of this trying not to talk to him, hanging out with friends, partying more and/or eating lots and lots of ice cream-you need to remember to sit back and actually work through your feelings. Understand why things went south, and why you’re better off this way. And in no time you’ll be back to your old self, and what’s-his-name will be a thing of the past.

It’s All About Rewards

And finally, do all of the little things that make you happy every day. Yep, being single means thinking about you, you, and you. So, go and take that extra time after work and buy yourself that little ring you’ve been obsessing over. Or take a long walk and meet a friend for cupcakes because well, you can. Have fun spoiling yourself, because you deserve it after….wait, what? I’m forgetting already.

 

the one with Knock Knock

I’ve been in love with music since high school.  It started with local bands and foreign artists like Mariah Carey.  Plus, I also love to dance and rhythm and music is always a part of it.  I’d remember back in 4^th year when I’d sneak in my Discman under my bag and put my earphones at the back of my ears and pretend that I am listening to our teachers.  Well, as far as I can remember I usually do that during drafting class because I don’t actually listen much to our teacher then.  All you have to do then is to know when the project or plate’s due to be submitted and you’re on your own.

Anyway, August was really one hell of a month for me.  I was totally distracted, emotional and at times delusional (haha!).  It was like a roller coaster ride; it was smooth and fun at the start but was totally bumpy and crazy towards the end.

There was even a time when I wished that I can just sleep it off because no matter how hard I try to shake it off and pretend that my situation doesn’t affect me I always end up failing.

But yes there is a but… despite that part of my year I still consider everything good and chooses not to be too dramatic and emotional besides somebody just recently saved me. 

You see sometimes when everything else fails especially when it’s about love; we have the tendency to think that what can save us from the heartaches is finding someone to fix it for us.  Do you agree with me, right?  I used to believe that take note of the verb “used to”.

Like what I’ve said someone saved me but not the way I thought I’d be saved.  Sometimes we just need to be enlightened and to be told that life sucks, love sucks but we don’t have to curse and stop believing.  (But I am still having thoughts about it haha!)  Sometimes the secret to moving on and getting your life back is just simple acceptance.

I’m happy I got the chance to meet new people like crazy fun people lately.  This is the perfect time to divert my attention and be back to my old happy perky attitude.

And the song that best describes what I am feeling right now is Knock Knock by Lenka.  This is for someone who has helped me a lot during the days that I was really troubled and made my blue sad days happy and brightened again.  These lyrics of the song totally summarize what I am feeling towards you right now.  Thank you for coming into my life.  You are just the perfect fix.

“When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you”

So I’m sharing the song and lyrics hope you like it.

Knock Knock

A second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by
I’m hopin’ just to be by your side
I’m turnin’ the handle, it won’t open
Don’t make me wait ’cause right now I need your smile
Knock, knock

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
‘Cause you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin’
Little louder, little louder

A warm bath, a good laugh, an old song that you know by heart
I’ve tried it but they all leave me cold
So now I’m here waitin’ to see you
My remedy for all that’s been hurtin’ me
Knock, knock

When life had locked me out I turned to you
So open the door
‘Cause you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything’s okay

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin’
Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin’

Little louder, little louder
Little louder knockin’
Little louder, little louder

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you

When life had knocked me down I turned to you
And you open the door
And you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you
Nothin’ works like you

When life had locked me out I turned to you
And you open the door
And you’re all I need right now, it’s true
Nothin’ works like you

 

the one with the tweet that launched quilt

Twitter is a free social networking and micro-blogging service that enables its users to send and read messages known as tweets. Tweets are text-based posts of up to 140 characters displayed on the author’s profile page and delivered to the author’s subscribers who are known as followers. Senders can restrict delivery to those in their circle of friends or, by default, allow open access. Users can send and receive tweets via the Twitter website, Short Message Service (SMS) or external applications. (Information lifted fromwikipedia)

 

Sometime last week I asked myself why I have joined twitter.  Basically, I just got an invite from a fellow rusher and my favorite radio show is using it.  I believe if I’m not mistaken, it took me awhile before joining.  One of the reasons is usually social networking sites are blocked in the office but Twitter isn’t.  So, I’ve told myself to join anyway, and I believe it’ll be useful in the near future since I have plans on May 2010.

But this isn’t the exact reason why I’m posting this but it has something to do with a certain tweet.

I have always known that when I’m angry I can say the meanest and hardest words you could imagine that I can utter.  That’s why whenever I am mad; I try to control myself before I’d do something that can really hurt someone.  I’m good in that way, but not all really knows it.  Only good friends do know it.  So, you’d often see me just smiling around and pretend that it’s okay even if I have to be the one to suffer from it.  It’s part of my commitment to world peace.  I know, it is unbelievable, but that’s how matured I am.

 

So going back to the story, last week two straight days, I was being challenged and I tried to keep calm about it the whole time.  As usual, I’d keep my feelings inside, act as if nothing’s happening.  I also have this power to ignore people especially if I don’t like them.  I know how to choose my battle and I don’t give up easily.  Rest assured on that, just pick the time and place, if you want a good fight, I’ll give it to you.  Sounds ironic, isn’t it?  But what can I do, I can’t let others just trample my right to silence and peace, right?

Anyway, I’ve tweet-ed this message, “Thing that you should know about me… I am someone who’s least likely to get mad at anyone… simple lang yan kung ayaw mo sa akin same here.”  Since it is limited to 140 characters it came out that way but it was supposed to be longer.  To elaborate that you can visit this post (click here) that I’ve made last 2006 when I was pissed off big time by someone I’ve loved.

Then after sending that tweet, I’ve got a message from someone totally unexpected and unwanted. 

You see, twitter is meant to be used by anyone.  Rule:  If the message isn’t directed to you and you feel a little guilty, I suggest you just shut the fuck up and keep your mouth I mean fingers away from disturbing someone.

That time was a cherry on top of the moment for me because honestly when I tweet-ed that I didn’t mean to hurt someone’s guilty ego.  Like what Terry from True Blood said, “Guilt is a useless emotion!”

It makes us paranoid and it is totally not cool.  Plus, keep in mind that the world doesn’t revolve on you alone.  With this, I want you to listen to this song!

Anyway as a last message, I have always believed this, “Only time will determine when and how you’re going to move on. Sure, it might not be right away like you want it to be but eventually one day you’ll wake up and realize that somewhere along the way that piercing feeling you’ve always felt inside your chest faded and went away while you were too busy living life to notice. ”

With what you’ve done to me lately, I’m singing Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone… I’m so moving on… thank you for being such a jerk!

And here’s another one good song!  Enjoy!

 

*** Disclaimer:  I’ve suspended this post for about 4 hours today and lifted it when I’ve finally made this disclaimer.  This post was made during the time that I was hurt and in pain.  This rant was just good for that day.  But, unfortunately I’ve hurt someone in the process and I’m truly sorry for that.  It’s just that I felt I owe it to myself to post this even if I’ve felt a little better after.  My posts are always true, honest and to some extent hurtful but what can I do, I can’t shut up!  And I know I have to stand for what I’ve said and pay for the possible consequence it may have.