I love running not only because it makes me fit and healthy but it’s a perfect time for me to listen to songs and internalize it.

Earlier, I’ve run my first 5k.  As always I’ve run with a companion and it’s my iPod.  I’ve put it on shuffle so I wouldn’t overplay songs that I already like but I still ended up doing so.

So what song was the culprit today? It is Adele’s “Turning Tables”.  Based on the register I have played the song 9 times and practically almost half of the time I ran.  It isn’t your usual upbeat running song but I liked it because it was a tough-bitter song with angst.  I’m actually surprised to find out that the song was co-written by Ryan Tedder and he actually did the piano of the song.  I just really love these lines from the song and I quote,

“Next time I’ll be braver,
I’ll be my own savior,
When the thunder calls for me,
Next time I’ll be braver,
I’ll be my own savior,
Standing on my own two feet,

I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me,
I can’t give you what you think you gave me,
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables”

The song echoes the story of someone with a broken relationship, who’s unhappy with how his partner treated her.  Turning tables means manipulation and she’s saying good bye to this.  She has finally found her strength to be braver and to stand in her own two feet and rely on herself.  She’s keeping the distance from him so she could protect herself from more harm.  She just wants him to leave since she has nothing to give him anymore.

Earlier this year, I was forced to do what the character in the song had to do.  I had stood up on my own and started protecting myself from harm, from feeling more pain and anger.  I just had to end something that I thought I couldn’t live without which actually is just another case of being stubborn.  Sometimes, I tend to hold on to loving someone even if that someone doesn’t even care and know what my actual worth is.  But, it is just a phase I guess where everyone conveniently gets stuck with his own permission.  And like anyone who just came from a fall, I had risen above, stood up and shook every pain, anger, love and whatever’s left of it and started walking away.

I don’t want to sound bitter but I guess when you get hurt in the process the only way to go is to be numb.  I honestly couldn’t believe myself that I would be this strong and be cold hearted but I had to do what I had to do.  I just don’t want to be hurt anymore and I strongly believe that I’m my only savior and protector.  It’s hard to leave someone you’ve learned to love with all your heart but sometimes when the pieces don’t fit anymore it is pointless to be in that relationship.  It’s hard when you think about it but it’s the right thing to do, it’s the only way to do it.  Sorry but I had to say goodbye to turning tables, too.

 

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