life or something like it


This is a tradition I’ve started last 2010.  I’ve done a recap of the year that has passed.  A trip down the memory lane, read on bitches!

1.  What did you do in 2013 that you’ve never done before?

  • I have dyed my hair and everybody loved it. Was able to ran about 10-km on a regular basis.

2.  Did you keep your new years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

  • I’m not a fan of resolutions what I’m planning to do this 2013 is to be spiritually upright and active.  Hopefully I can achieve this so I could be a better person. ß This is what I wrote at the start of the year, I think I failed.

3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?

  • Joy one of my closest friends from college.  It is her second son.

4.  Did anyone close to you die?

  • Luckily none.

5.  What country did you visit?

  • Finally I was able to go back to the US after three long years.

6.  What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

  • I’m quite happy with my 2013 despite major challenges at work. I think what I really lacked in 2013 is a normal and not-too-stressful work that I’d kill to have this year.

7.  What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

  • January – Started to get constant communication with someone.
  • March 7-9 – Celebrated my birthday in Boracay and luckily my friend Edrick was there, too.  Got to meet his good friends.
  • April 27 – Finally met this amazing person in the flesh.  After months of being in constant communication with him.  A whole day of fun. One of my personal favorites for 2013.
  • April 29 – Got crazy and went to Alabang to meet this person for the last time before I leave for the US.  Had an amazing dinner and tea that night.  Funny thing, we accidentally bumped into my brother so he got to meet him and my mom.
  • April 30 to May 21 – Took my long awaited 3-wk absence from work.  Got to spend weeks of wonderful fun road trips with my sister and family. Got to meet my high school friends, Pipi and Thea, several times.
  • June – finished all the bank financing requirements and in less than a month of preparing for it, my loan got approved.
  • June or sometime in July – I have realized that this special person changed. It was sudden though the communication was still there but the warmth diminished. It was one of the trying times but I remained strong.
  • August – I have discovered the reason for the change and I had to pick up my pieces. I decided to let go.
  • September – a wizard left at the middle of projects.  Personally it was frustrating for me.
  • November – met someone new but he just couldn’t replace the hope I have for the other person.  But I began to date him consistently.
  • Early December – the plot thickens.  I have discovered a different character.  This time, there was no choice but to let go entirely. 
  • December – families from other countries went home for the holidays.  Finally after so many years we were complete.

8.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?

  • I was able to keep a special friendship with someone I have met personally midway the relationship.

9.  What was your biggest failure?

  • I’ve pushed someone to resign from his post.  I was kind of hoping that I could change his mind set being his mentor.

10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

  • I just went back to the pain rehabilitation due to persistent back problems.  Later on, I’ve found out that my spines’ degree of curve progressed.

11.  What was/were the best thing/s you bought?

  • The airline ticket to the US and the very beautiful convertible dining table from IKEA.

12.  Where did most of your money go?

  • Amortization of my property and living allowance like food and transportation.

13.  What did you get really, really, really excited about?

  • Meeting someone for the first time and my 3-wk vacation.

14.  What songs will always remind you of 2013?

  • Just say yes by Snow Patrol, Original Soundtrack from the play The Last Five Years

15.  Compared to this time last year, are you:

  • Happier or sadder? I’m definitely happy but I couldn’t say that I am happier.
  • Thinner or fatter? I think I am fatter.  I have targeted to maintain a certain range of weight.
  • Richer or poorer? I’d say just the same.  I was lucky enough that I didn’t have to beg for money.

16.  What do you wish you’d done more of?

  • Things that I’ve wished in the past years like learning how to cook, reading books and writing blogs.

17.  What do you wish you’d done less of?

  • Hoping that he’d love me back.  I should have let go when I still had control over my feelings.

18.  How did you be spend the holidays?

  • Spent it with my family at home.  New Year’s Eve rocked.

19.  Did you fall in love in 2013?

  • Yes I did.

20.  How many one-night stands?

  • Oh, I can’t say. I’m not telling.

21.  What were your favorite TV programs this year?

  • Old –  Supernatural,  The Amazing Race and Survivor, Revenge, Parenthood, Person of Interest, Game of Thrones
  • New –  Downton Abbey and Sherlock Holmes

22.  Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

  • Yes that ugly thing that blocked me on twitter because it got jealous.

23.  What was the best book you read?

  • Started to read Game of Thrones but I wasn’t able to finish unfortunately.

24.  What was your greatest musical discovery?

  • I can’t exactly remember if there was any.

25.  What did you want and got?

  • The 3-wk vacation.

26.  What were your favorite films of this year?

  • Watching movies is one of the things that I miss the most.  The only movie I can think of is the Trilogy – Before Sunrise, Before Sunset and Before Midnight.  Iron Man 3 because this is the only movie I’ve watched in the cinema. And the local film, Four Sisters and a Wedding because it made me cry.

27.  What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

  • I went to Boracay and luckily my friend Edrick was there, too so I’ve met him and his friends.  As a tradition, I would be welcoming the day on the shore while eating cheesecake and I did that.  I was alone but I was accompanied virtually by someone and I really find it sweet.  I turned 34 and I was sick from the afternoon until night.

28.  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

  • If the un-thinkable happened.  If he just broke away and took that risk with me.

29.  What kept you sane?

  • Knowing and being close to someone.  He really brightened up most of my days. 

30.  What political issue stirred you the most?

  • I don’t listen to the news at all.  I don’t give a damn about national issue and how it is being sensationalized in the television.

31.  Who did you miss?

  • Him. He changed towards the remainder of the year.  It was such a bummer.

32.  Who was the best new person you met?

  • Drix – though he should not be qualified under this category because I have known him for years but I finally got to really know him and I am really thankful because he such a sweet guy.
  • Lhen – didn’t expect that this bully would be someone I could be close with.  Our friendship started over twitter then to whatsapp then everything clicked.  Such a sweet friend.
  • Erwin – this person I really didn’t expect I’d get close to. I remember I really tried my hardest to let him feel that I really wanted to know him as a friend.  He was a snob but sometime towards the end of the year we’ve found ourselves talking more and more.  I think we are lot alike and our wavelengths met.
  • Jay – probably the best discovery of the year.  Well, technically we started talking the last day of 2012 but I’d still categorize him under 2013.  The constant communication, all modes regardless of time zones.  I’ve never imagined that I’d find someone like him.  We’d talk about everything and anything.  It was something that I am very thankful of.  I could honestly say that he was the biggest reason why 2013 was memorable to me. 

33.  Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

  • Some people are real, some people are good, some people are fake and some people are good at being fake.
  • The happiest people don’t have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything.
  • One should never hold back, love is not a trick of the mind when you feel it, go for it and don’t turn back just because you are too afraid to get hurt.

 

 

 

Finally after so many weeks I’ve had the chance to write something poetic. Short but very heartfelt. I was targeting for a piece that is cutting and drawn.  A haiku about some of the used to’s I’m thinking of right now. 

 

Missing some used to’s

Warmth in our conversations

Focused and engaged

 

The morning hellos

Right amount of attention

Sweet good night farewells

 

Trying to be strong

Concealing sadness with songs

Braving and praying

 

To realize that

I’m so used to be alone

Reality checked

 

Coping and starting

To detach my world from him

Soon to get over

 

Just need to be firm

Trust and control myself more

Happiness restored?

Love is such a good feeling especially when you are not looking for it.  You’d see signs and you’d realize that you have stumbled upon it.  One sign is you’d find yourself smiling and the only reason you have is just because you’re thinking of that certain person.

I didn’t expect that I’ll find someone interesting, someone who’ll connect with me in a way that I have not connected to with anyone else before.  The constant interaction and exchanges led me to where I am today.  But, I don’t want to complicate things and I know that this isn’t part of the plan.  Everything is clear right from the start.

Also, I just have accepted the fact that there are things in life that we want to have but we don’t get them and in my opinion and what I have learned is all we need to do is move on and find another dream to chase.  Especially in terms of love, when things don’t go our way, we can’t be bitter about it.  We should remember that we love the person because we just do and not because of the anticipation of possible reciprocation of love.

I know I may sound too pessimistic and I’m not sure what I’m talking about but I’m just afraid that I’ll start havoc and I’d end up hurting. 

But what I’m sure of today, regardless of the situation, I’m ready to love him and I’ll love him more than anyone.  I’ll be the first one waiting and I’d be the last to leave and all I want to do is make him the happiest person alive.

I know that I can certainly make him smile but not the smile that he’ll draw his happiness from.  I just hope that I can bring him the happiness he deserves could even be possible in the future.

These are just some of the things I have in my mind, pardon my brain fart.  Don’t worry I won’t and don’t do sadness. 

I have started this blog and came up with the title “Outside looking in” with the intention of writing about my perspective and opinions on things, issues, movies and even music.  But I also write about stuff that bothers me and my inside thoughts with the hope of getting other perspective from an “outside looking in” blog readers.

Lately my plate is full and I’m really stressed out.  A big weight drop has been very evident.  I’m really bothered.  My work issues are like a buffet of food and it won’t just run out.  There are even days that I wanted to scream and just curse everyone that blocks my way.  Worse sometimes I ask myself if it’s worth all the stress.  Worst, there are times that I doubt if I can still do this.

So I’ve decided that I’d go back to running so I could take some stress away by trying to be healthy and literally get a breather from all of this.  And funny thing is while I’m running my mind won’t stop from running as well.  It’s like I can’t take it away and just shake it off.

But that’s not the only thing that helps me from all of this mess, having someone that you could talk to regularly is such a stress-reliever.  And sometimes thinking of the infinite possibility of being beside this someone is even good diversion.  Though there are times that you’d make sense of everything and you’d ponder about where you are headed to then you start to realize that you’re creating another bucket of potential issues so you just pretend that you don’t care and you’re just taking one step at a time.

And yes these were my thoughts while I was running earlier.  If you could only slice my head open and dissect everything that I’m thinking you’d be surprised.  I’m a yard away from being troubled but I know that everything will end soon.  I’m still hopeful and I believe that the challenges will make me stronger. 

This is just another brain fart.

Let me share my craziness that I have been dealing from lately and my plans of debugging it.  I just missed blogging and writing stuff that I used to do and I know that this is a bit personal but again as if I really care with what people would think.

So I’m shooting away and would be brain farting anytime soon.

I took up accounting and have practiced the profession for more than a decade now which gives me the right to say this disclaimer that I have been using the left side of my brain.

I have this tendency of becoming too analytical and I tend to calculate every move that I make especially in terms of love.  Sometimes I actually ask myself if I’m capable of loving or even just believing it.  I don’t know why I’m too afraid to get hurt.  I can’t even give a good reason for holding back but I do.

But this time I think I’m following Snow Patrol’s song Just say Yes.  Love is neither a test nor a trick of the mind that I should analyze and understand.  This time I’d let myself feel what love really is.   I should embrace the uncertainty and enjoy every minute of the ride. 

And that’s my plan for the next few weeks.  Let’s see where this plan would lead me to… hopefully inside his heart.

Just recently I’ve celebrated my 11th year in the company and the past 5 months was one of the hardest assignments I’ve ever had.  This time it’s totally different, I’ve had to handle people.  I’m pretty confident that I have the people skills but doing the actual work is harder than I think it was.  Management a bunch of adults is never easy.  You’ll have expectations and there will come to a point where those expectations wouldn’t be met.  The challenge is how to help them realize their shortcomings, guide them in achieving the objective and make them be the best that they could be.

I have promised myself that when I get the chance to lead.  I’ll lead by example and share the things that I have learned from the past.  I’d rather be called as a mentor than a boss. 

So now I have that chance, one thing that I always remind them is having the right attitude.  As Winston Churchill has said, “Attitude is a little thing the makes a difference.”  Actually it’s not only applicable inside the working environment; it can also be applied on your day-to-day dealing with people.  It’s not about how intelligent you are but it’s having the right attitude towards work. 

There are people who always question the direction.  I say, “One has to see the reasons first why things are asked of them to deliver.  I believe that it is better to start working on things rather than waste your time ranting.  Besides, you’ll do the work anyway.  So what’s the point in insisting your way when most of the time it is their way or the highway.”  I guess what I’m trying to say is as employees we are duty bound to fulfill the management’s directives.  The company hired us to carry out things that are geared towards company’s objectives.  We are paid to do that and it is but fair to do our best in fulfilling them.  I don’t have any problem with how you do things but as long as it gets done on time.

It’s all about the money.  I say, “But one has to know thy worth first before we demand.”  Yes I agree that getting a high pay will certainly guarantee your stay in the company but one has to remember that the higher the pay you get the more expectation you have to meet.  You get what you deserve and you give what is expected of you.  Honestly, when I was still young, I actually never did mind how much I was getting.  I’ve always welcome all opportunities that come my way.  My justification was these things are new to me and it’ll be an additional knowledge.  This is something that can’t be bought and can’t be taken away from me.  Those things make your worth and in the end you’ll never lose.  It’s just a matter of perspective I guess.

Bottom-line is one’s attitude has an impact on its own productivity and it plays a big part on one’s success.  If you want to reap the rewards in the future you have to work for it.  There’s an investment that has to be done.  Success can’t be achieved overnight and it will all start with having the right attitude, the positive one.  Work hard and be nice to people.  Start with these things and it will follow.  You could never go wrong with keeping the positive vibration within you.  When you’re easy to work with tendencies are your work will be easier.  Just try it and let me know if it worked for you. 

Over almost two months ago I was so thrilled that I was given the chance to prove my worth in the corporate world.  It is a rare opportunity to be given this assignment.  To get our big boss’ trust is something I should be proud of.  I actually consider myself lucky.

But lately, I’m not sure if I can still consider myself lucky and worse, happy.  I’ve stayed in the company for almost 11 years (it’ll be 11 this coming August) because I was happy with my work and the environment. 

But today, I’m not sure anymore.  Sometimes, I’m just trying to tell myself that I’m still just adjusting with the work load and expectations.  Maybe I’m still not used to having a staff to look out and managing is quite a big task.  I don’t want to give up just yet but sometimes I’m thinking, “Do I really want this for myself?”

I was happy with what I am doing before and maybe this is one reason why I’m having a hard time to accept where I am right now.  I have to give up a lot of things like flexible work schedule, familiarity of work, friends who I adore so much and someone who inspires me that I left behind.   And then, what do I get in return?  Pimples, stress and what else, another ton of stress!

I just want a simple life.  I don’t want to be a boss.  I mean, I don’t see the need to and have my work-life balance compromised.  I’m contented with where I am.  Climbing the corporate ladder isn’t one of my goals.  I know that a lot of people would find it crazy.  Call it crazy but I can’t and don’t want to work and feel like it’s an actual work.  I want something that I can enjoy.

I can’t be in a place where all I can think of is anything but happiness.  And this is what my current environment reminds me of.  I don’t want to be in a place like this.  Today, Mondays always make me cry even if it’s not a rainy Monday.  I dread Mondays.

I know that writing this post isn’t something that I can be proud of.  This is a testament of defeat.  But I don’t care.  I’m really unhappy and this assignment is taking the best of me.

I need to be saved.  I need to be redeemed.  I need to wake up from this nightmare.  I need to find happiness.  I need to be where I am 2 months ago.  I need it soon.  But these are the things that I need.  Dear God, please help me get this!

 

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