Couples break up for a lot of reasons some fall out of love, some have misunderstandings and fight, some have unapproving parents and these are just some of the reasons why it makes loving such a tragic story.  And as they say when couples break up nobody breaks even.  There’s always someone who is more hurt and damaged.  And one could only wish that we wouldn’t be the one left crying in the dark. 

Break up is one of the darkest stages a person could ever go through his life.  If one has never experienced it they’re probably lucky or not have been loved at all.

But you know what I hate about break ups aside from the hurt; it is the washing of the dirty laundry.  It is okay to feel sad and mourn for the lost of a relationship. But with today’s technology, it is very convenient for someone to blame a relationship’s failure to the other party.  Worse is to do it out loud for the whole universe to hear, analyze and judge.  People forget that their relationship is between the two persons who know the whole story.  I get it, when people are hurt we need someone to talk to, share our frustrations and worries but it doesn’t give us the right to put someone out there defenseless.

I just believe that these issues should be discussed by the parties.  When we signed up with love breaking up was one of the risks that we took with it.  I know that it is ideal to end up a relationship in an amicable manner but when it ends and you can’t resolve the issues anymore, you deal with it then move on.

I know that this is easier said than done but nobody said that it can’t be done.  One should bear this in his mind before he enters into a relationship called love that there are seasons of love.  Happiness and sadness will be both present when you’re in love and that’s the reality one should be ready with.  And when the going gets tough one should be ready to face it, it is inevitable and it doesn’t always have to end badly. 

But when it ends badly, here are some tips that I think you should do.  Surround yourself with real friends, whom you can count on, build a support system.   Stay away from the internet, if you can go somewhere far go pack your bags and make that trip.  Lastly, take a time off love if you must.  Love yourself and prepare for the next one.

I wrote this post for a friend who is one of the strongest women I’ve known.  I know that you’re dealing with a lot of stuff right now but I know that you’ll pass through this stage with flying colors.  Hang on there! We love you.

Last night I accidentally dozed off early and needless to say it was expected that I’d wake up early today.  With that I decided to run since I really need to be fit and ready for a marathon as I plan to join one this year.  I actually slacked off and chatted online with a friend then I saw the sunshine from my window and was convinced to go out and chase the sun.

I immediately grabbed my shorts and looked for a pair of socks and put on my running shoes and brushed my teeth.  I went outside as my brother gave me puzzled look and I’m sure he was asking himself what has gotten into me and why I am awake early.

I made a playlist of Kelly Clarkson, Sara Bareilles, The Script and Train songs to perk me up while I’m running.  I’ve decided to go back with this routine on weekends at least.  Thinking of the things I have enjoyed before and sorting it out on my mind so I’d embrace it back in my life.

As I was doing the usual training, I started with 5 minutes of walking as preparatory to the alternates of 90-second walk and 60-second run for at least 45 minutes.  I skipped thru tracks one after the other until I find one that I liked.  Then voila I came across The Script’s Before the Worst and listened to it for more than once.

The song struck me and made me think.  The song explains what I actually want.  I want a closure to everything before anything else, before I actually start moving on.  I usually end up friends with my exs well that’s the dream at least and that has been with all of them.  (Well, I don’t have actually lots of them)  I don’t want to run into them feeling awkward.  It’s like a damage control.  I don’t want us to end up hurting each other in the long run.  I hate fights, I hate “parinigs” besides I am the kind of person who can handle things and I’d rather take it directly.  I’m not a mind reader and I believe that cooler heads prevail and win.

I don’t actually know if I have matured through time or is it because I’m also tired of it.  When I decided to run again, I told myself that I’d go back to the old routine.  After hearing this song and learning about it, I begin to ask myself… Is being heart broken and moving on part of the routine?  I hope not.

It’s been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was getting insomniac

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Oh, who would’ve thought it would end up like this

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

There was a time that we’d stay up all night
Best friends, yeah talking ’til the daylight
Took the joys alongside the pain
With not much to lose but so much to gain

Are you hearing me? ‘Cause I don’t wanna miss
That you would drift on memory bliss
It was Grafton street on a rainy night
I was down on one knee and you were mine for life

We were thinking we would never be apart
With your name tattooed across my heart
Oh, who would’ve thought it would end up like this

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decided it’s time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong

If the clouds don’t clear
Then we’ll rise above it, we’ll rise above it
Heaven’s gate is so near, come walk with me through
Just like we used to, just like we used to, yeah, yeah

Let’s take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decide it’s time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let’s try to take it back before it all went wrong
Let’s try and take it back before it all went wrong


A few days ago I’m having problems with moving on.  Based on observation, I think the reason why I’m having a hard time is because of I’m controlling myself too much.  Well, at least my true and real feelings are suppressed.  I’m trying hard not to get mad at him and put everything on a different perspective.  All I ever wanted are simple things to get over him.  I even told him that I’m hoping that everything will be cool, fine and okay between us.

Last Tuesday he did something that really hurt me and I pretended that everything was okay.  I tried my hardest to understand where he is coming from.  I tried to be objective about it.  But there’s no possible and acceptable reason that I can come up with.  I tried my hardest to fool myself and even asked if I were just feeling this because he has trampled on my pride.

And as the days go by, friends started noticing and feeling for me.  Some even made harsh comments about him and I tried to defend him as hard as I could but I lost.  I started to give up and stopped pretending that everything’s okay.

Then came Friday, I was really disappointed when I’ve learned that he has admitted to someone that he has made a terrible mistake.  That part I didn’t get.  How come he was able to admit it to someone and didn’t even admit it to me directly.  Knowing how many days have passed and all I’m waiting for is him to admit it and be sincere at the very least when he asked for forgiveness.

These things are actually the reasons why I am so disappointed:

  • Insincerity – I hate it when people can’t ask for forgiveness and be sincere
  • Courtesy – I hate it when people can’t extend the same courtesy you have given them
  • Inconsistency – I hate it when people give you alibis with loopholes.  I hate it when they’re doing something and saying a different thing
  • Insensitivity – I hate it when people are so damn clueless that they have done something wrong.

Sadly to say all I have to do now is move on, deal with this and learn from another mistake.  I thought I was able to make it clear that we can be friends and unfortunately after this I don’t think I am ready for that yet.  I don’t usually stay mad that long but this case is really different.

I just hope he can still sleep at night knowing what he has done.  No, I don’t want to be hypocrite.  I want him to drown on his own guilt.

I’ve been searching for appropriate song that can go with this blog but I can’t find one.  But this morning my friend Dru shared this video and it made my day.  Check it out.


*** I’m sending my thank you to Dru, Stephen, Rhix, Erna, Eliad, Noel, Helki, Ron, Selwyn, Jay-R and Kuya Joe for always being there for me especially when I needed to whine about everything and for watching my back.  Don’t worry guys everything will be alright, the crappy days will end and better days are on its way.

Series of unfortunate events happened last week.  I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling right now is numbness or maybe I’m still tired that’s why I can’t feel nothing but numbness.  Some say I did a pretty good job.  I’m acting fine right now and I’m surprising myself.  Is this a sign of maturity or have I just woke up from my illusions and bumped into reality?

Okay, I know you’re wondering what I am talking about.  Here’s what happened, let’s say I’m about to decide in a month’s time.  Well, actually I really planned to weigh things after my birthday.  It’s not actually an ultimatum because I don’t believe in one.  But, because a trip is planned on that week and that will be a test of where we are.  That’s the plan. That was supposed to be the plan.

Yeah I know you might be wondering can this be planned.  Well, I’m not really even sure what I was thinking that time.  But being me, I love planning so I just find myself doing that.  Then week 1 of February happened.  Monday was pretty odd and it got worse the next day.  Wednesday was pretty fine until Friday.  The first few days were all his fault but the last three days were mine.  When I heard someone telling me I sounded tired then I’ve realized that I am.

Then came Friday night as I was packing up my things for the trip with my mind busy on the final itinerary, last minute research and exchanges with friends.  Until someone asked my opinion regarding something that I can truly relate.  It is as if I am talking to myself telling that person what to do.  Then the birth of the realization came.

It is always easier said than done.  Why am I forcing someone to do something that I myself can’t do?  Just find myself so unfair and can’t even walk the talk.  I’ve got hit harder when someone told me that people just do that because they don’t want to not because they can’t.

The impulse was too quick and I texted him if we can talk when I get back.  He said about what and why.  Then, I’ve just realized that it was unfair to some extent for both of us.  Plus, I don’t want to go on vacation with that having in my mind so I dropped the news.

I’m moving on.  It’s time for me to accept the harsh reality with the promise of everything’s going to be alright.  We haven’t seen each other yet but we still do communicate like good friends.  So again I’m doing fine.  I’m not saying this because I’m in denial but because I am.

So I guess I just turned a year older a little early this year.  I wasn’t supposed to get older until next month but I think I just did.

Anyway I’m sharing this James Morrison song entitled “The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore”.  This song made me realize a lot of things.  Good things.  As what my top ten entry says earlier, “I promised myself that I’d never stop believing in love and I’ll never get tired of taking risks” I think this is what defines me.  There’s gotta be more than life than temporary happiness.

I’ve been twisting and turning,
In a space that’s too small.
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall,
You’ve been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart.

Chorus
Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough, Cause I gave it all to you.
And if you leave me now, oh just leave me now.
It’s the better thing to do,
It’s time to surrender,
It’s been to long pretending.
Theres no use in trying,
When the pieces don’t fit anymore, Pieces don’t fit here anymore.

You pulled me under,
If I had to give in.
Such a beautiful myth,
That’s breaking my skin.
Well I’ll hide all the bruises,
I’ll hide all the damage that’s done.
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone.

(Chorus)

Ooh don’t missunderstand,
How I feel.
Cause I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried.
But still I don’t know why, no I don’t know why.
III dont know why…… whyyyyyyyy!

(Chorus)

After 4 hours of sleep, I woke up still with migraine. 

Staring at my desk these are the items I see: 

  • Glass of empty milk
  • Glass of half full of water
  • Bottle of medicine for my migraine
  • Chocolate wrapper’s gone
  • TV set with my reflection

Wondering and thinking…

My questions were answered last night and heart aches peeking on its window – shouting wanting to get out.  But I ain’t entertaining it, I’m not allowed to. 

We ended up talking until the wee hours of the morning.  I just had one of the most mature closure and chat in my entire life.

Our conversation was great.  He was courteous enough and kept me company when I can’t sleep through the night.  My impression of his sensitivity is still there.  He makes a pretty good conversation.  These are the things that I want but can’t have, simple yet hard to find.

Like what I’ve said from the previous post, I knew that he isn’t into me or at least I wasn’t sure.  But the latter, is just a product of analysis and hope.  This time I took a different leap, I didn’t take the safe side.  I tried to risk it again but it’s all worth it despite not getting what I really wanted and hoped for.

 

Lessons learned again:

  1. Still honesty is the best policy
  2. Things may not always turn out according to how you want it to be but what’s important is you know how to brave the storm
  3. Getting up, moving on and finding another one is a tricky game

I’m ending this post with Kelly Clarkson’s new song.  Though this song isn’t applicable to us exactly but the song Already Gone is appropriate up to certain extent.

 

***fresh from memories last night… no matter how hard I try to shake it off, it just wouldn’t go away… but in the end it was all settled… you, you know who you are… thank you for the time and inspiration that lasted for weeks… but like what you’ve said… lesson learned number 3 was all your fault… haha!

 

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now I can’t stop

[Chorus]
I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
But someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
“Perfect” couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

[Chorus]

You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

[Chorus]

You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone